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Watching as her partner fell helplessly into the raging river below, Tivian considered that perhaps thievery had been a poor choice in career. The job had been plagued with problems from the start - and now that Iruk had fallen, most likely to his death, into the rock-laden Ruby Rapids, she wasn't even going to get paid for it.
Swearing underneath her breath, she pulled herself the rest of the way across a thick rope that was tightly strung between two massive trees. Spending hours hiking through the woods searching for the perfect place to cross the Rapids, breaking into a wealthy lord's mansion, rendering nearly half of his house staff unconscious, wasting nearly a half an hour trying to pick the damned lock to the lord's private safe - all of it had been for nothing.
She let her feet touch earth once again and groaned. She wanted desperately to smack something, but she cutting would be enough. Pulling her blade out of its sheath, she began sawing at the knotted rope angrily.
She should have held on to the rune bag. She hadn't even wanted Iruk to go with her in the first place. He was not what Tiv would call “intelligent.” Mostly he wouldn't shut up. He couldn't lie, but that didn't stop him from trying. The most helpful thing he had done all night was offer to hold the bag, and look how that had turned out.
At last, the final sinewy thread of the rope snapped and it fell away, slithering over the edge of the cliff like a serpent. How was she going to explain to her client that not only was his eldest son dead, but he wouldn't be receiving the runes after all?
The infant rays of the sun began to peak between the distant forest-coated mountains, warming her chestnut skin as she silently entertained the idea of jumping after Iruk. Maybe he'd lived. Better, maybe she could still find the goods. Her honey-brown eyes turned their gaze to the south, envisioning the busy streets of Ruby Point. Going back there anytime in the near future was out of the question. No, it was definitely time to move on.
Tivian turned on her heel and headed north. A flash of woolly crimson hair exploded from her masked helm as she pulled it off, settling in a cloud at her shoulders. The road north wasn't far from here, but it was long and scarcely populated. Slipping her slight frame between the maze of trees, she had only one comforting thought: at least the old man had paid her 25% up front.
Swearing underneath her breath, she pulled herself the rest of the way across a thick rope that was tightly strung between two massive trees. Spending hours hiking through the woods searching for the perfect place to cross the Rapids, breaking into a wealthy lord's mansion, rendering nearly half of his house staff unconscious, wasting nearly a half an hour trying to pick the damned lock to the lord's private safe - all of it had been for nothing.
She let her feet touch earth once again and groaned. She wanted desperately to smack something, but she cutting would be enough. Pulling her blade out of its sheath, she began sawing at the knotted rope angrily.
She should have held on to the rune bag. She hadn't even wanted Iruk to go with her in the first place. He was not what Tiv would call “intelligent.” Mostly he wouldn't shut up. He couldn't lie, but that didn't stop him from trying. The most helpful thing he had done all night was offer to hold the bag, and look how that had turned out.
At last, the final sinewy thread of the rope snapped and it fell away, slithering over the edge of the cliff like a serpent. How was she going to explain to her client that not only was his eldest son dead, but he wouldn't be receiving the runes after all?
The infant rays of the sun began to peak between the distant forest-coated mountains, warming her chestnut skin as she silently entertained the idea of jumping after Iruk. Maybe he'd lived. Better, maybe she could still find the goods. Her honey-brown eyes turned their gaze to the south, envisioning the busy streets of Ruby Point. Going back there anytime in the near future was out of the question. No, it was definitely time to move on.
Tivian turned on her heel and headed north. A flash of woolly crimson hair exploded from her masked helm as she pulled it off, settling in a cloud at her shoulders. The road north wasn't far from here, but it was long and scarcely populated. Slipping her slight frame between the maze of trees, she had only one comforting thought: at least the old man had paid her 25% up front.
I need your assistance, folks! 
I'm taking a writing course, and one of my first assignments is to write 300-700 words introducing my character. Can you guys answer a few questions for me, so I can get an idea of what needs improving before I submit it?
1. Does the reader get an overall impression of the character's style and looks? (Is it weaved in gradually or does it feel rushed?)
2. Does it give the reader a sense of time and place? (Is this a setting in which they can picture the hero/heroine/both?)
3. Does the reader have enough information to orient themselves? (Can you tell what's happening in the viewpoint character's life as the story opens?)
4. Is the main character presented in such a way that the reader likes him/her?
A re-writing of this:
I'm taking a writing course, and one of my first assignments is to write 300-700 words introducing my character. Can you guys answer a few questions for me, so I can get an idea of what needs improving before I submit it? 1. Does the reader get an overall impression of the character's style and looks? (Is it weaved in gradually or does it feel rushed?)
2. Does it give the reader a sense of time and place? (Is this a setting in which they can picture the hero/heroine/both?)
3. Does the reader have enough information to orient themselves? (Can you tell what's happening in the viewpoint character's life as the story opens?)
4. Is the main character presented in such a way that the reader likes him/her?
A re-writing of this:
Untitled Draft - TivianWatching as her partner fell fifty feet into the river below, Tivian considered that perhaps thievery had been a poor career choice. The job had been plagued with problems from the start – and now that Iruk had fallen, most likely to his death, into the rock-laden Ruby Rapids, she wasn't even going to get paid for it.
Swearing underneath her breath, she shimmied the rest of the way across the thick rope that she'd tied between trees before the heist. Breaking into a wealthy lord's mansion, rendering nearly half of his house staff unconscious, successfully picking the lock to an ancient chest after trying for nearly an hour – all of it had been for nothing.
She rolled over, panting clouds of breath into the dewy morning air. She should have held on to the rune bag. She hadn't even wanted Iruk to go with her – he was too green, too clumsy, and too stupid to get anything right. She risked so much bringing him along. Now how was she going to
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Comments4
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It's short but a lot happens so it kept me engaged. I'm kinda hoping that her partner made it despite their incompetence. HOpefully then they can learn from their mistakes.
As for liking her, she seems a bit cold. But we know that she is a thief and working under risk of discovery. (and possibly death)
I'm not a writer so I can't give the proper critique of another writer but I thought it was entertaining. I think i missed the first part too.
If so I'll give it a read.
As for liking her, she seems a bit cold. But we know that she is a thief and working under risk of discovery. (and possibly death)
I'm not a writer so I can't give the proper critique of another writer but I thought it was entertaining. I think i missed the first part too.
If so I'll give it a read.